5 Ways to Convince Your Brain That Self-Care Actually Raises Your Value
Why Self-Care Feels Weird for Moms
When you’re in the trenches of flinging pancakes to the right and shooing the dog out to the left, the words “self-care” are laughable at best. Especially when it’s sold as:
expensive spa day
green juice
someone telling you to “manifest abundance” while your days are already bursting at the seems
Yet, there's no denying our trailblazing, resilient, and courageous precursors who have spent decades taking care of everyone else first.
Caught between the rock of loneliness and the hard place where my broken heart lay, I tested a lot of self-care ideas in search to rediscover my value. Some worked. Some… definitely didn’t.
The greatest thing I learned is that sometimes the hardest part of self-care is convincing your own brain that you’re worth the effort.
The Empty Nest Brain Problem
In my lessons with adult women on snow, I coach with a lot of “brain speak”. Direct coaching to the brain. I even tell my female clients that by the time our lesson is over in 3hrs, I will be their best friend next to their hair dresser. They immediately laugh because they know I am about to walk them through something new, different, even scary.
The same mental shift is needed for empty nest moms when kids grow up. For years your brain was wired to believe, “My value comes from being needed”.
Now, the kids are independent and your brain goes, “Wait… what’s my job now?”.
The result when there’s a lack of mental shift:
guilt
hesitation
resistance to focusing on yourself
Time for a little brain speak girlfriend! The first thing I would tell you is, “Look up and forward to where you want to go. Remind your brain that you can’t look down at your skis or you may hit a tree.”
You see, your brain already knows how to move your arms and legs independently. It perfected that way back when you were around seven to eleven years old per the CAP Model I’m certified to coach from on snow (Context, Analysis, Practice, developed by Jason Anderson). What your brain is looking for is proof of what you’re doing is safe, because it hasn’t done it before or for a long time.
Self-care as an empty nester is no different. It’s time to give your brain some proof, sweet momma!
Why Self-Care Isn’t Selfish—It’s Strategic
Reframing self-care as maintenance instead of indulgence is an OK start. There are some out there that urge us to compare our self-care to things we maintain like our cars, homes phones, etc.
If I’m going to be honest with you, this freakin’ depresses me! Come on! We’re not all that great at maintaining these things in our lives and for the most part, it feels burdensome at best.
So, I’ve personally thrown out the word “maintenance” and have come up with a few of my own. Steal one for yourself PLEASE. If you haven’t already begun, start now by using your new word to give your brain permission to self-care. You know as well as I do that, as soon as you’re done reading this today, SOMETHING around the house is going to require maintenance. My hope is that you notice the difference of what that feels like versus you caring on yourself:
Continuation
Continuance
Improvement
Care
Aftercare
Nurture
Feeding
Support
Keeping
Allowance
Subsistence
You may be horrible about remembering to change the oil in your car like the rest of us, but don’t let yourself run on fumes. It’s not selfish, it’s loving yourself!
The Five Ways to Convince Your Brain
Way #1: Treat Yourself Like Someone Worth Investing In
Many moms will happily spend time and energy helping others but hesitate to do the same for themselves. Self-care as an investment in your energy, health, and happiness.
This topic was an extra challenge for me because I was traveling a lot AND chasing a dream that required extra from my body.
For example, we laugh when we say, “We’re not getting any younger!” I flipped that saying around backwards and it helped me to chase after self-care techniques that worked WITH my travel and dreams.
Way #2: Start Ridiculously Small
The brain resists big lifestyle overhauls. Small habits build confidence and momentum.
Examples of the small wins:
short walk
quiet coffee break
reading something that isn’t a recipe or instruction manual
Self-care doesn’t have to look like a three-hour wellness routine!
Way #3: Stop Waiting Until You “Feel Worth It”
Many women believe they’ll practice self-care when they feel more motivated or deserving. The feeling often comes after the action.
When I am on the slopes teaching women to ski, I test this theory over and over again. It continues to hold true. For as much trust as I build with all of my clients, they still don’t believe me UNTIL they try it. Then, BAM! Their brain suddenly has proof when it looks back and realizes that it made it down the mountain.
Self-care may seem like a mountain to you right now, and it is! Frankly, it’s overwhelming in all the ways AND it’s doable.
Way #4: Redefine What Value Means in This Season
When the kids leave home, the old definition of value changes. But what if you shift from:
Being needed
To
Living intentionally with the one word you chose above as your new momma mantra
Self-care supports the new version of the you that you’re becoming!
Way #5: Remember That a Healthy, Happy You Benefits Everyone
Self-care doesn’t just help you—it improves:
relationships
mood
energy
confidence
Your adult kids, friends, and family benefit from a mom who is fulfilled and energized.
The Self-Care Experiments That Actually Taught Me Something
Let me share some light, relatable reflection on how I tried different things:
some helpful
15min of “wake-up morning coffee” and reflection
20min of Yoga or stretching to alert all my muscles to the new day
10min to review calendar goals
some overrated
Racing out the door first thing to chase something
Throwing on clothes without a shower or wake-up time
Frantically answering texts, phone calls or emails first thing in the morning
Remember, self-care is personal and flexible. Allow your brain to experiment until you find what works for you! AND, totally in agreement, crazy, racing out the door mornings are still going to happen.
Your Brain Can Learn New Tricks
Self-care doesn’t lower your value—it strengthens it. Start small and stay curious.
Maybe the dog is now allowed in the kitchen and he/she is eating the flung pancakes from the floor… Whatever it is that you’ve had to let go of, after years of caring for everyone else, it’s finally time to add yourself to the priority list!
