Built To Nurture, Wired to Need
The Unexpected Comfort of Mom
It happened. I finally apologized to my own mother for all the terrible things I put her through. I was in tears and on the phone with her explaining a few of the things that my current teens were doing and I IMMEDIATELY apologized for all that I had put HER through!
It was at that very moment that I TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY knew I still needed my own mom!
Facing a big decision, a messy emotional day, or a parenting dilemma with young adult or adult kids can be THE toughest days ever!
The immediate thought: “I wish my mom were here to tell me what to do!” can bubble to the surface with all the tears.
Even as empty nest moms, we want someone to say the magic words or pack emotional band-aids for all our shitty wounds and breaking hearts. Sometimes our own moms aren’t available at this capacity and that’s where mentors come in. Have you felt it?!
I still ask my own mom or mentors for advice. This has proven to me time and again that wisdom and comfort don’t expire.
The Empty Nest Paradox
After years of being the advisor, organizer, and caretaker… then a plot twist:
suddenly the house is quieter
decisions feel heavier and there’s a BIGGER need for resources to run ideas by
Turns out being the Mom isn’t all wine nights and freedom—sometimes it’s also asking yourself, “What would my mom do?”
Why We Lean on Our Moms (or Mentor Figures)
Being vulnerable and sharing isn’t easy. Especially not in a world that is asking, begging actually, for every woman to be the Super Hero, the Rescuer, the Nurse to all its injuries and debacles.
Brené Brown, our biggest mom hero on shame and vulnerability has said, "Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage."
What does all this “sharing” give us as empty nester moms lost for a recipe to parenting adult children?
Emotional safety: a trusted voice gives perspective without judgment.
Reassurance: sometimes we just need someone to say it’s going to be okay.
Guidance: provides another layer for choices where experience matters
Courage: to do and say brave things
Through all my tears, apologies, expletive venting, I would hear my mother’s reassurance over the phone. It brought more comfort than a bottle of wine. Things like, “You will survive this because they know you’re the only one that can feed them tomorrow!”
Even as a mom of three adult daughters, my own mom’s voice is still shockingly persuasive.
The Science (or Psychology) Behind It
As moms we often joke about “survival mode” and the shift into “survival brain” mode. When we’re in the depths of parenting, it’s ALL we are trying to do: survive.
Us humans often seek parental guidance in adulthood. Why? It’s all linked to our primal brain side. Survival and safety, am I right, girlfriends?!
Habits of looking to authority figures for reassurance
Emotional memory cues (mom’s voice = comfort)
As moms of adult kids we have more time and space to reflect, which sometimes makes us nostalgic for that guidance ourselves.
Examples of When We Want Our Own Mom
I’m willing to bet you can relate to some of my crazy ass experiences when I thought I might have to lock someone in their bedroom until they turned 18 or demand a blood test to make sure they were really my child:
Refusing to come to the carpool lane because they were busy picketing against dating rules
Secret sister piercing parties and no rubbing alcohol in sight
Jumping over the tennis net anyways during PE and ending up with a lacerated liver
10 hours of shopping because “Only the $150 pair of jeans aren’t scratchy & itchy!”
The point isn’t that these are such unique mom problems or to beat up on my daughters… we actually laugh about these stories over beers now! But as a mom asking my own mom or mentors for perspective, sharing the uglies became priceless.
What It Doesn’t Mean
Wanting your mom’s advice doesn’t mean you’re weak or failing as a parent. But it IS a primal need to know that you aren’t alone in this.
The empty nest struggle is real:
balancing independence and uncertainty
missing a touchstone for wisdom
It doesn’t mean we’re reverting back to diapers and bedtime stories with our own moms. What it does mean is that we’re just smart enough to ask for guidance.
How to Use This Desire Productively
Here are three practical ways to set this in motion:
Break the ice with a funny meme or story over the phone to your mom and ask, “Do you remember me doing anything like this?” And, “How did you survive?”
Take stock of who the older women are in your life and decide to use some of that amazing mom courage to reach out for a coffee date
Journal all the nuggets of wisdom that come your way or put them on sticky notes on your mirror
I love asking my mom what she remembers from my youth. We end up having lots of laughs together and I walk away feeling encouraged thinking, “If she could survive, so can I!”
This is not to mention that self-respect and autonomy still remain sweet mamma. While leaning on trusted voices it is YOUR parenting skills and knowledge of the hearts of your adult children that are the true guides. Nobody knows them better than you!
The Unexpected Gifts of Asking for Advice
No cancel culture here. Motherhood does not cancel daughterhood. Believe it or not, this goes for those of us whose mothers are no longer in the picture. Older mom mentors abound who may have never had daughters of their own and are dying for the chance to love on you and provide:
Strengthened relationships with other women
Model humility, vulnerability, courage and lifelong learning that you can pass on to your own adult children
Turns out, asking for advice doesn’t shrink us—it makes us bigger, wiser, and sometimes calmer.
Moms Are Forever (Even When We’re the Mom Now)
The need for guidance doesn’t vanish when your kids grow up. We may have been born as females with a need to nurture AND we will always be wired to need comfort, reassurance and love for ourselves. Honoring the value of the safe and wise voices in our lives may take some courage but the reward to our body, mind, soul and family outweighs our feelings of weakness.
Sometimes we don’t want a magic wand—we just want our mom to say, “You’ve got this.” And maybe bring over the wine while she’s at it!
