When Your Adult Kids Live Everywhere But Down the Street
The Day You Realize Everyone Moved Away
Have you ever been in that state of mind where you’re stuck in a loop of binging your favorite show and living through the characters dreams and adventures?
Ten years ago for me it was Grey’s Anatomy. Some symbolism here…Grey’s Anatomy just renewed its 22nd season while I stopped watching long ago, got off my couch of tears and literally took off down the road chasing my own dreams!
The strange emotional cocktail of pride, sadness, and mild resentment towards the wine and late night show binging was all consuming. There was no space to think or act creatively.
Being the mom of three adult daughters who were on the hunt for their own purpose and in college, felt lonely yet cascaded a light on the importance for me to move forward also.
We love that our kids are thriving while secretly wishing they lived within casserole-dropping distance.
The Myth of “We’ll All Live Nearby Someday”
What we imagined when our kids were little looks something like this:
Sunday dinners
Grandkids popping over
Family holidays without airline tickets
This image turned into a reality for me that went like this:
One daughter a three hour drive away
Another daughter a social butterfly with two jobs
The third somewhere that required two flights and a strong emotional support snack
I had officially entered parenting adult children as a family that required a small national network and a major Verizon hotspot package!
The Emotional Whiplash of Raising Independent Adults
There is irony in growing your children up. You raise them to be independent, capable and adventurous. And then… they actually listen. They’re off to the races, doing all the things while you’re experiencing all the feels.
For you as the empty nest momma it’s the pride vs. ache dynamic:
Pride in their careers, relationships, and lives
The quiet house creaking and groaning along with your emotions
Missing them doesn’t mean you want them to fail–it just means that you love them deeply.
When Geography Creates Unexpected Heartache
Then there is the subtle grief of the distance that seperates you from your adult kids:
Missing ordinary moments together
Being the “FaceTime grandma someday” instead of the drop-by grandma (I have some wonderful tricks to share on this point!)
The emotional weight of milestones you can’t attend easily.
The strange realization that family logistics now involve spreadsheets and flight alerts.
Technology: A Blessing… and a Slightly Annoying One
Since we’re on the undeniable but overwhelming topic of technology, here’s a quick survival kit:
Group texts
FaceTime
Voice notes (an amazing built in voice recording feature that’s all the rage with grandkids!)
Sending memes to stay culturally relevant (even if it’s just silly grandma ones, they’ll think you’re cute and funny!)
What’s the upside to all of that? Connection is possible anytime, anywhere.
The obvious downside that will always exist: you still can’t hug someone through a phone!
What No One Tells You About the Empty Nest Stage
The world talks about the nest turning into a big, quiet house but not enough about the geographic scattering of families that were once a collective herd of mass feeding, fun and adventure.
Motherhood begins to evolve and shift when you’re no longer needed daily. Your new role starts to look like this:
Support system
Encourager
Occasional travel coordinator
Keeper & organizer of family pictures and history
In my case, I also worked as an online Executive Assistant. So, I naturally started directing my long distance emotional energy onto project management boards with research links and helpful organization ideas that my daughters needed help with.
Are you starting to see a path towards endless possibilities in this stage?
Finding Peace With the Distance
Finding peace in this new season means making a shift in your perspective. Their independence translates into the fact that you did your job well!
Creating new traditions is a wonderful way to refocus your view on the family while continuing to enjoy them:
Destination holidays
Planned “mom visits”
Annual family trips
One year for the holidays, I secretly coordinated with all three of my son-in-laws to surprise my daughters with Thanksgiving and Christmas visits. It also became an opportunity for me to bond with my SIL’s and play a fun game with myself to discover which of them were the better secret keepers.
I even planned right down to buying the jammies that would match them when we woke up to open presents. The grandkids couldn’t get over how I showed up in PJ’s that were the same as theirs!
As for my SIL’s, I later teased them as only one of the three was the ultimate keeper of secrets!
The Unexpected Gifts of This Season
Watching my daughters build lives of their own has been the greatest gift of all. Seeing them become confident adults and working out all the things with the husbands they chose on their own, keeps my love cup full during my own new season of life.
I realized the relationships with my three daughters evolved into something deeper:
Less parenting
More friendship
Lots of laughter & love as we muddled through it, giving space to the mess
The beautiful truth about it all was that distance didn’t shrink our love for eachother because I made room for unexpected possibilities.
The Mom Truth We All Know
If your adult kids live far away, you’re not alone. Many empty nest moms share the same quiet ache and endless hours of rediscovery, trying to figure out how to flex their creative muscles again.
It’s a vulnerable time of reconnecting with all those different women you’ve been through the years. Holding a mirror up to all of that can be emotionally exhausting. But when you realize that the mirror is free and clear of all the toothpaste splatters and harsh lighting, you discover the beauty of dreaming again. Endless possibilities abound and creativity begins to shine through!
